Shedding the Shackles of Independence

"Me do."

"NO! Me do!"

"Me! Do!"

I'm writing this from the coast, where I've been this week with most of my family, including my youngest grand-love who is two. If you've ever spent more than five minutes around a two-year-old, you know this is their response to almost every suggestion or offer of help.

Doing things on their own, no matter how painfully slow it is for the rest of us (and often struggling to the point of frustration), is an important part of learning how to be independent little people.

It's a good thing.

It's how they learn what they're capable of and it's how they learn confidence in their abilities.

Yesterday, as America celebrated the 4th of July and our independence from England, I thought a lot about the word "independence."

We, as a nation and as individuals, place a high value on being independent. As individuals, we strive hard for independence in every area of our lives. We believe that to be dependent on anyone for anything signals weakness or failure in ourselves.

Shakespeare purportedly said, "Your greatest strength begets your greatest weakness."

I always appreciate a good paradox and the way my mind is stretched to consider different perspectives. Looking at life through the lens of this particular paradox, I've learned that every bright side comes with a shadow side.

The strength of independence is self-reliance and there are many, many positives that come with that.

But what about the downside?

What about the overwhelm, anxiety, loneliness and depression that can come on the other side of this ideal of independence we've been indoctrinated with? What about the disconnection we often experience (or even punish ourselves with) when we determine that we've fallen short of succeeding to be independent people?

What about interdependence?

What would happen if we shifted our focus from developing stellar independence, to growing and nurturing interdependent relationships?

What if we thought of creating interdependent relationships as being a spiritual practice?

When I think of interdependence, the Robert Ingersoll quote "we rise by lifting others" comes to mind; the idea that our own well-being is directly influenced by the well-being of our neighbors.

I was recently part of a conversation about what it means to be a good neighbor.

First, we took some time to consider who our neighbors are (and I invite you to take a moment to do the same): who comes to mind when you hear the word neighbor? The people who live next door to you? on the same road? In your community? In your state? Your country? What about other countries all around the world?

We were also asked to take time to consider these questions:

• When was someone a good neighbor to you?
• When was someone a bad neighbor to you?
• When were you a good neighbor?
• When were you a bad neighbor?
• In what ways would you like to be a better neighbor?
• What would it cost you to be a better neighbor?
• How would it benefit you to be a better neighbor?

As I'm coming back to these questions today, I'm realizing that, in the past, I thought I was being a good neighbor if I didn't need to borrow the occasional cup of sugar, if I smiled and waved "hello when I saw them, and if I didn't blast the stereo at midnight.

I'm beginning to understand that when I don't borrow a cup of sugar, I also don't share an extra loaf of banana bread. When I only communicate from afar, I miss out on grieving with them during their sad times and celebrating with them during their happy times. And, while not blasting the stereo keeps them from having to come over and ask me to turn the music down, it also keeps us from being able to dance together.

And that is the paradox in being a fully independent and self-reliant neighbor.

And so, on this New Moon in Cancer, my wish for you and for all of us, is that we begin to shed the shackles of independence that keep us bound to disconnection with ourselves, our neighbors and Universal Love; disconnection that can lead to overwhelm, anxiety, loneliness and depression. In choosing interconnectedness over independence, may we find the anecdote to all the ways independence has fallen short.